Hi! Welcome to Kelly’s Cravings.
So to be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. On this blog… in my life… (ha ha) basically I’m 23 and completely lost. Sound familiar?
Well, this much I do know – I want to use this blog to talk about my passion for cooking (frequently ending in both failures and successes), my struggles with eating, and my aspiration to wake up each day, loving myself.
Ok I know that sounds totally cliche and corny, but can you imagine a morning when you roll out of bed and DON’T think, “OMG look at those bags.” or “Ew, my thighs look like tree trunks in this dress”. or “Aren’t I supposed to look skinniest in the AM? Guess it’s a chunky sweater day again.” Well, wouldn’t that be the dream? I want to get to that place- a place where you can eat the entire tub of ice cream and wake up the next morning still feeling beautiful (although most likely slightly ill… hellllaaa lactose). Unfortunately, getting to this place is about as easy as getting Beyonce tickets (aka not at all); it requires completely rewiring your neural networks – essentially “unlearning” old, bad habits, and creating new positive ones. So my hope is, by writing it all down, I will be able to unlearn the bad, re-learn the good, and finally find some body peace and embrace that sunshine.
Where it all began…
I have been wanting to write a blog for some time now, so I can talk about my love hate relationship with food (Forget men, it’s bag of Triscutss that does me in every time). I’ve always loved food- salty, sweet, crunchy, smooth… basically it it’s there I’ll eat it. I’ve never loved the way I looked- but it never really bothered me until I got to an age where it mattered. As soon as I learned that it mattered that my thighs touched, or my arms wiggled, or my belly wasn’t flat,the little voice in my head began to grow. It started off as the occasional mean thought, or cruel joke, but evolved into a constant and ever present scream, that I couldn’t ignore. Pretty soon, I let it become the only voice I listened to, and i began to forget what the original voice in my head even sounded like. Her voice had become nothing more than a whisper. For four years I let the darker, meaner version of myself take over- the version of myself that was obsessed with being skinny, being perfect and being popular. As I fell deeper down the rabbit hole, I began to recognize less and less of myself, until one day I saw a picture of myself and wondered who that girl was. She has a sallow angular face, thin wispy hair, and a mean, cold look that literally looked like the farthest thing from me. I was shocked.This wasn’t me- this wasn’t who i wanted to be. I knew I needed to turn the corner and get help.
Now I’d love to say after that moment, something clicked and I completely turned my life around and fixed everything- that I still don’t have days where the feeling of my thighs touching makes me sick, or I see my face looks extra round in a picture, or I eat an entire bag of wheat thins and feel full of self loathing… but they do. They happen way more than I’d like to admit. The problem is that when I hit this point three years ago, I fixed the surface problem- the part that was ‘easiest’ to fix. I knew the right foods to eat, I knew how to work out in moderation, I knew that eating an entire tub of almond butter would make me feel sick. And when I put myself in a perfect world, I was able to control all of those factors, and everything felt okay. However, the minute one of those factors became an unknown (i.e. vacation, staying with a friend, office party) I fell apart. This cycle has now been going on for two years (past what my original issue was). The mean voices came back – with a vengeance this time-becoming increasingly crueler and cutting. After things really went south a couple months ago, I put my foot down. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. The endless cycle of being upset, eating too much, then not eating enough, and being so hungry so you eat too much again…. it just never ended. And I was (am) exhausted.
Looking to the sunshine….
So here’s my plan. I have no idea if anyone will ever read this blog (which I’m honestly okay with). As silly as it sounds, this blog is for me. To talk to myself, about my feelings, my battles, my journey. This time, I’m committed to a full, holistic healing. This time, I want to be better from the tip of my head to the core of my soul. So I’m going to write. Once a day- once a week- whatever I can do. (Okay that’s a cop out- I’ll definitely commit to writing three times a week- if more then that’s great, but I do have a full time job after all haha).
I promise to be real- I don’t want this blog to be another place where I lie to myself- convincing myself of one thing, when really I’m doing another. Today, was not a great day. I ate too much. I felt sick. I felt sad. But here ends that cycle. Here ends that self hate. Today I choose sunshine. Today, and each day moving forward I will embrace each craving, embrace each bad day, and embrace every ray of sunshine, that I know will be waiting for me at the end of this journey.